Comments on: Rate my short, quick story?

By: XxBrokenVainxX

XxBrokenVainxX — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:58:16 +0000

emm. The repetitive words take from the set meaning almost as though you were attempting a poem rather a story. When it comes to writing you have to use a vary of descriptive words and change up the words you use each time. This gives your writing more color and flow. It has to be be able to catch the reader’s attention and keep their attention. As for the plot, it’s nice..Just remember to make your story yours. Try to put yourself into your words.
Lets go 6/10.

By: dinonuggetz

dinonuggetz — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:58:16 +0000

I really don’t like the repeating of words/phrases. Ehh. 5/10

By: Squirt2313

Squirt2313 — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:58:16 +0000

I like it a lot. It reminds me of a book i read…A BOY CALLED IT by DAVE PELZER
I’m just a little confused about the boy??? If she was in her house how did he get in, and who was she. And if he WAS in her house how did she not know him or never see him before??

By: Vampire Bella

Vampire Bella — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:58:16 +0000

This is a GREAT story you got going on!!!!! I’d really like if you continued it I love how she was shocked but in a lovey afraid way It reminds me a bit of twilight, which is GREAT cause twilight was probably the most succesful book this year I really hope you write more!!! It sounds like you have a lot of potential and can write a great story!

By: write4inspiration

write4inspiration — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:58:16 +0000

pretty good, a ittle confusing, and not very put together. some puzzle peices are missin but overall its pretty good

By: Rodolfo M

Rodolfo M — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:58:16 +0000

yeah, your story really doesn’t make any sense. who’s she and who’s he?
Hi my name is He. What’s yours? Oh, my name is She. Really? What a wonderful name!! Want to get some ice cream? Oh, I’d love to! Oh, but I can’t. Why not? Because my mother Was and my father Who, wants to go back to Whoville. Will, we ever see each other again? Yes, I’ll be back to visit Itsville!! Don’t worry. Goodbye now He!! Bye She!!
and they lived happily N’ ever after
the end….

By: Miss Bookworm24

Miss Bookworm24 — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:58:16 +0000

For one thing, you are very repeative with the adjective "skinny". And for another, its a little cliche and boring.