She was a short, skinny girl. A short skinny girl that lived in a tight apartment with a straight-up tight Mom. Along with her always drunk Dad. A short, skinny, miserable girl.
It was now morning and she woke up to the alarm clock. She studied herself in a old run down mirror. Pale, pink skin and a dirty face. Dark blue eyes and a button nose. Freckles carefully blown across her face. A eleven year old run down girl. She could’ve been almost pretty if it wasn’t for not feeling pretty.
Then her stomach flipped and whined and strechthed.
GGGGGRRRRrrrrrr, it growled.
She winced, but didn’t groan. She knew the feeling, and hadn’t gotten used to it. It was hunger. "But that doesn’t matter now," she thought as she made her way slowly to the kitchen, holding her stomach in so it wouldn’t make a sound."I have to make breakfeast for them."
"For them" was her nasty, ignorant parents. In no time, she had bacon, bread, pancakes, and fruit at the side. With syrup. Her mouth was watering, but she didn’t dare. She had things to do, her parents had said. If she didn’t, she would be punished.
So badly punished I can’t print it on this paper. She trotted down the stairs, looking at her feet, as always, for no one was ever going up, ignoring her queasy stomach.
The steep footsteps echoed up and down the halls and she still didn’t look up. That’s when she bumped into him.
"Hmmph!!" she murmured as she fell. She looked up, limbs shaking, to see him.
His head was limp, and he was just now getting up too. She caught her breath as she saw a boy with shiny, messed hair, a carmel complexion, fresh jeans and blue shirt.
"I’m sorry about that," he said. He smiled. She said nothing, too shocked and…afraid?
She rushed past, thinking about him all day.
*
She finally arrived home, exahusted. But then she was some sort happy. Her mind had been placed on the boy all the time, doing chores, listening to her aching stomach.
But now she looked up at her parents, almost smiling.
emm. The repetitive words take from the set meaning almost as though you were attempting a poem rather a story. When it comes to writing you have to use a vary of descriptive words and change up the words you use each time. This gives your writing more color and flow. It has to be be able to catch the reader’s attention and keep their attention. As for the plot, it’s nice..Just remember to make your story yours. Try to put yourself into your words.
Lets go 6/10.
I really don’t like the repeating of words/phrases. Ehh. 5/10
I like it a lot. It reminds me of a book i read…A BOY CALLED IT by DAVE PELZER
I’m just a little confused about the boy??? If she was in her house how did he get in, and who was she. And if he WAS in her house how did she not know him or never see him before??
This is a GREAT story you got going on!!!!! I’d really like if you continued it
I love how she was shocked but in a lovey afraid way 
It reminds me a bit of twilight, which is GREAT cause twilight was probably the most succesful book this year 
I really hope you write more!!! It sounds like you have a lot of potential and can write a great story!
pretty good, a ittle confusing, and not very put together. some puzzle peices are missin but overall its pretty good
yeah, your story really doesn’t make any sense. who’s she and who’s he?
Hi my name is He. What’s yours? Oh, my name is She. Really? What a wonderful name!! Want to get some ice cream? Oh, I’d love to! Oh, but I can’t. Why not? Because my mother Was and my father Who, wants to go back to Whoville. Will, we ever see each other again? Yes, I’ll be back to visit Itsville!! Don’t worry. Goodbye now He!! Bye She!!
and they lived happily N’ ever after
the end….
For one thing, you are very repeative with the adjective "skinny". And for another, its a little cliche and boring.